I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
