Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
