im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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