Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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