Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
