so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
