im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
