i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
