Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
