Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
