highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
