I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
