Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
