i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
