Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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