Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
