8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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