I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
