Princesses don't give blow jobs
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
