I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
