Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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