I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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