Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
