And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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