So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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