sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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