Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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