i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
