Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
