booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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