My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
