I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
