the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
