My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
