you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
