I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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