if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
should my penis look like a turkey
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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