you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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