By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
