I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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