Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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