saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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