yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
