I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
