just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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