hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
