Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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