The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
