I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
