dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
